Lactic Accidentally on Purpose

OUCH.

I CAN'T MOVE,

I CAN'T STAND UP,

I CAN'T SIT DOWN...

I HURT EVERYWHERE.

I am so damn out of shape and I'm hoping I'm on the turn around now after three workouts in two days.

I know, I know, maybe its not exactly recommended to work out hard and stupid, much less for consecutive days, but I swear it's what I need to kick start my fat ass!

I found this lady who holds these boot camp style work outs in a grocery store parking lot near my house. I then paid this woman to help me kick my own ass the last two mornings. And, just in case that wasn't enough, I've started pilates twice a week.

More later...I swear I'm too sore to type.

confessions

I am drunk.

I am home. I am not driving or covorting; I am just chillin' with my kids out for the evening and I am unapologetic. My niece is drunk too, but we won't discuss her age

this concludes this confession.

The Grapes of Must Hath

Check out the size of these grapes!

I love my grocery store. I go about three times a week but still I don't cook every night.

Riddle me that.

But, seriously, are those the most beautiful grapes you've ever laid eyes on??

I love my grocery store because I enjoy the little-known secret of underground parking. It's not advertised that customers can even park under the building, but we can. It's the only store I frequent in the 100 plus degree Summer days, because I know about and take advantage of the secret underground parking lot...hehehe...

Gotta go. I'm gonna nosh on some grapes now.

The Art of "We'll See"

"My mom lies to me."

This is my daughter's work of art to depict her perspective on me not allowing her to have a friend over for a play date.

My biggest mistake was the day before when she first asked me if her pal Abby could come over...I was busy so I just quickly nodded and said, "yes, yes probably, WE'LL SEE."

Then, the next day, at almost 5:00 pm, she asked me when Abby could come over.

I said no. She freaked out.

I tried to explain how I had forgotten about it and how late it was, and how "probably" doesn't always mean "yes."

She then sat down at the table and started drawing. I figured, cool, she's calmed down...and then she hands me this masterpiece...

There was a second masterpiece she later ripped to shreds that I can't feature on here. She wrote, "my mom lies" over and over on the front and back of a piece of paper the way a teacher makes a kid write lines. It was impressive.

She ripped it up when she came to me later to apologize. She had been saving it, but wanted to show me that she was ripping it up because she wasn't mad at me anymore.

Lesson: I really need to be more careful and certainly more specific when she asks me questions. I need to avoid that go to "we'll see" too because I can remember how frustrating that was when my mom would give me that response.

WE'LL SEE might as well mean PLEASE HOLD, ALL OPERATORS ARE CURRENTLY ASSISTING OTHER CUSTOMERS.

Pass the Testosterone

So I have some hormone issues...

After having had a hysterectomy several months ago, I've been totally outta whack to say the least. I finally went into one of those special practices...ya know where they specialize in the "bio-identical" hormone replacement thing and their commercials have these fat women talking about how they want sex all the time. Ya, I was pretty excited to check it out.

First thing was establishing a "base line." Blood work, urine, etc...

I waited a couple of weeks for my results.

So apparently, a woman's testosterone range should always be no lower than 55.

Mine was 5.

Oh how that explains a lot.

So now that we have all THAT figured out, she prescribed a cream that I'm supposed to "apply to the skin once daily." OK. So I've been doing that.

Stay with me here, but unrelated to all this, I had a dermatology appointment today. Like a good patient, I brought with me my new meds from the hormone doctor including the testosterone cream.

She takes a look at it and says, "now you DO know this stuff can cause hair to grow where ever you put it, right??"

EXCUSE ME.

I've been putting that stuff on TWICE a day trying hasten my mojo--on my stomach, my neck, my CHEST, even on my butt cheek.

A WARNING ABOUT WHERE NOT TO PUT THE STUFF WOULD'VE BEEN GOOD INFORMATION TO HAVE PRIOR TO BEING PRESCRIBED IT.

Jeez, if hair starts sprouting out on my chest or something, I suppose I could hope for a shot at Dancing With The Stars... I never gave any thought to what a topical testosterone cream may or may not do. If it's intuitive to the average person, I sure missed that common knowledge somewhere I guess.

Be afraid if you come across a future post entitled, "My Chest Hair Hides My Cleavage."